Cohousing Concerns
The following excerpts have been paraphrased from Cohousing-L, the cohousing email discussion group.
The following excerpts have been paraphrased from Cohousing-L, the cohousing email discussion group.
From: John Tonka
Subject: Cohousing Concerns
My wife has been a cohousing enthusiast for a couple of years now. I am on the fence and would appreciate some candid input that might help me with my concerns. Here they are:
Lack of privacy. I'm not antisocial but I like to socialize on my own terms, when and as often (or little) as I want. I'm not wild about the idea of communal meals (although a couple a week would be OK). I value freedom, self-reliance, and frequent solitude as a means of spiritual renewal. I don't want to be cheek to jowl with my neighbors, even neighbors that I like.
Meetings. Don't like 'em at work, and there's no reason to think I'd like them any better at my "home."
Lack of space. We don't need 3,500 square feet, but 1400sf (the average sized unit for the development being contemplated) is smallish. Yes, I know, you don't need as much private space with the community space available, but we're a family of four, five on the weekends, and we need room to breathe.
I'd appreciate your CANDID input because this is a major life change and I want to make sure we're making it with open eyes.
- John Tonka
Subject: Cohousing Concerns
My wife has been a cohousing enthusiast for a couple of years now. I am on the fence and would appreciate some candid input that might help me with my concerns. Here they are:
Lack of privacy. I'm not antisocial but I like to socialize on my own terms, when and as often (or little) as I want. I'm not wild about the idea of communal meals (although a couple a week would be OK). I value freedom, self-reliance, and frequent solitude as a means of spiritual renewal. I don't want to be cheek to jowl with my neighbors, even neighbors that I like.
Meetings. Don't like 'em at work, and there's no reason to think I'd like them any better at my "home."
Lack of space. We don't need 3,500 square feet, but 1400sf (the average sized unit for the development being contemplated) is smallish. Yes, I know, you don't need as much private space with the community space available, but we're a family of four, five on the weekends, and we need room to breathe.
I'd appreciate your CANDID input because this is a major life change and I want to make sure we're making it with open eyes.
- John Tonka
From: Rob Sandelin
Subject: Cohousing Concerns
A change in the amount of your personal privacy will happen if you move into cohousing. People will know about you, ask you personal questions sometimes, and perhaps express curiosity about what it is you are up to. You will not be able to be a stranger or anonymous like in regular housing developments. You can close your door and not attend every function and that is your choice. But you are joining a social group of people and so there will be social contacts frequently. That is why people create cohousing in the first place.
I would note that if your partner is a very social person and you are not, this is common and the less social person typically does not suffer from living in cohousing. It can actually free you because the social half will find their social contact in the community and you will be freed from providing all of that contact. My partner is a major gardener, and I am not much. She finds others to hang out with and talk plantage and I am free to hang out and play guitar, write, or go on my nature walks. I think we are way more successful as partners now with the extended connections of community around us.
Meetings are a way of life in all cooperative communities. If your meetings are long and tedious and difficult I would suggest your group get some training. Excellent meetings are possible; meetings that are fun, energizing, and events that are looked forward to. But to achieve that you need excellent facilitation. It is not uncommon in cohousing groups for one partner to represent the household at community meetings.
Lack of space may or may not be a problem depending obviously on a number of different factors relating to unit design. However, your need for kid space will decrease and you will be astonished to discover that your kids will abandon you for the "scene". Assuming your proposed cohousing group has a normal range of kids, the kids will find each other and hang out together. In fact they will take over the entire project, leaving you, the adult, wondering.... Hey, didn't I have kids????? The common house / playground / outside will be where the kids will want to be because that's where their friends are.
This is something you can have no comprehension about until you actually live in community and then, after a while you will take for granted that your three year old is off somewhere out of site, playing, and you have no idea where, but you are not the slightest bit worried about it. This is ALWAYS disbelieved by parents when I tell them this because it runs so absolutely counter to their current experience. Most people are exhausted trying to keep tabs on their kids all the time to keep them safe, and spend hours amusing their kids, taking them places, etc. And yet in every cohousing community I go to, even ones very urban, its the same kid and parent scene. The parents I meet say, oh yeah, I have 3 kids.... They are around here somewhere or other. This in itself, will buy you huge amounts of free, private time. Maybe more than you want.
- Rob Sandelin, Sharingwood Cohousing on a Sunday morning, and my kids are out there... Somewhere or other.
Subject: Cohousing Concerns
A change in the amount of your personal privacy will happen if you move into cohousing. People will know about you, ask you personal questions sometimes, and perhaps express curiosity about what it is you are up to. You will not be able to be a stranger or anonymous like in regular housing developments. You can close your door and not attend every function and that is your choice. But you are joining a social group of people and so there will be social contacts frequently. That is why people create cohousing in the first place.
I would note that if your partner is a very social person and you are not, this is common and the less social person typically does not suffer from living in cohousing. It can actually free you because the social half will find their social contact in the community and you will be freed from providing all of that contact. My partner is a major gardener, and I am not much. She finds others to hang out with and talk plantage and I am free to hang out and play guitar, write, or go on my nature walks. I think we are way more successful as partners now with the extended connections of community around us.
Meetings are a way of life in all cooperative communities. If your meetings are long and tedious and difficult I would suggest your group get some training. Excellent meetings are possible; meetings that are fun, energizing, and events that are looked forward to. But to achieve that you need excellent facilitation. It is not uncommon in cohousing groups for one partner to represent the household at community meetings.
Lack of space may or may not be a problem depending obviously on a number of different factors relating to unit design. However, your need for kid space will decrease and you will be astonished to discover that your kids will abandon you for the "scene". Assuming your proposed cohousing group has a normal range of kids, the kids will find each other and hang out together. In fact they will take over the entire project, leaving you, the adult, wondering.... Hey, didn't I have kids????? The common house / playground / outside will be where the kids will want to be because that's where their friends are.
This is something you can have no comprehension about until you actually live in community and then, after a while you will take for granted that your three year old is off somewhere out of site, playing, and you have no idea where, but you are not the slightest bit worried about it. This is ALWAYS disbelieved by parents when I tell them this because it runs so absolutely counter to their current experience. Most people are exhausted trying to keep tabs on their kids all the time to keep them safe, and spend hours amusing their kids, taking them places, etc. And yet in every cohousing community I go to, even ones very urban, its the same kid and parent scene. The parents I meet say, oh yeah, I have 3 kids.... They are around here somewhere or other. This in itself, will buy you huge amounts of free, private time. Maybe more than you want.
- Rob Sandelin, Sharingwood Cohousing on a Sunday morning, and my kids are out there... Somewhere or other.
From: Jennifer McCoy
Subject: Cohousing Concerns
My husband and I had similar concerns before we joined our cohousing community. We are busy professionals with little time for more meetings, yet we wanted playmates and an extended family for our son, and neighbors that we would actually interact with, in contrast to our previous neighborhood. So we took the plunge.
We've found that privacy is not a problem at all, even in our very compact urban cohousing site. In fact, the opposite; our group has lamented that we don't have enough time to see each other as much as we'd like! Members of the group ebb and flow in their participation levels, depending on their personal situations and life stresses. I would second Rob Sandelin's comments on kids in cohousing; it's been fantastic for our five-year old son.
- Jennifer McCoy, Lake Claire Cohousing, Atlanta
Subject: Cohousing Concerns
My husband and I had similar concerns before we joined our cohousing community. We are busy professionals with little time for more meetings, yet we wanted playmates and an extended family for our son, and neighbors that we would actually interact with, in contrast to our previous neighborhood. So we took the plunge.
We've found that privacy is not a problem at all, even in our very compact urban cohousing site. In fact, the opposite; our group has lamented that we don't have enough time to see each other as much as we'd like! Members of the group ebb and flow in their participation levels, depending on their personal situations and life stresses. I would second Rob Sandelin's comments on kids in cohousing; it's been fantastic for our five-year old son.
- Jennifer McCoy, Lake Claire Cohousing, Atlanta
From: John Sechrest
Subject: Cohousing Concerns
I do not currently live in cohousing, although I have been interested for years. And I did live in a group house about a decade ago. There is a dynamic tension between the role of the individual and role of community. However, if you start the conversation from the point that "I (the individual) will have to sacrifice X to get community" then the conversation is doomed from the start.
Privacy, space, meetings, communication are all part of working in any group. This gets more intense as you move outside our cultural bounds and move into a tighter community. This tighter community will intensify issues, but it need not be a sacrifice. If instead of a sacrifice, you look at this question as an "investment", you start the conversation on a better footing.
To live in community is a commitment. It will only work if you are committed to working thru the issues that come up. If you make a commitment and then you invest your time, space and money into that community, you can gather a high return on your investment. You have to decide for yourself what benefits you want to gain and gather from community. And then what investments you can make in order to achieve those gains.
If you value the freedom and autonomy of the individual over the qualities of community. And you find no reason to change your individual behavior for the benefits of the group, then you need to go back and revisit the question of what commitment you can make to a community and what you hope to gain from it.
- John Sechrest, Corvallis, Oregon
Subject: Cohousing Concerns
I do not currently live in cohousing, although I have been interested for years. And I did live in a group house about a decade ago. There is a dynamic tension between the role of the individual and role of community. However, if you start the conversation from the point that "I (the individual) will have to sacrifice X to get community" then the conversation is doomed from the start.
Privacy, space, meetings, communication are all part of working in any group. This gets more intense as you move outside our cultural bounds and move into a tighter community. This tighter community will intensify issues, but it need not be a sacrifice. If instead of a sacrifice, you look at this question as an "investment", you start the conversation on a better footing.
To live in community is a commitment. It will only work if you are committed to working thru the issues that come up. If you make a commitment and then you invest your time, space and money into that community, you can gather a high return on your investment. You have to decide for yourself what benefits you want to gain and gather from community. And then what investments you can make in order to achieve those gains.
If you value the freedom and autonomy of the individual over the qualities of community. And you find no reason to change your individual behavior for the benefits of the group, then you need to go back and revisit the question of what commitment you can make to a community and what you hope to gain from it.
- John Sechrest, Corvallis, Oregon
From: Joani Blank
Subject: Cohousing Concerns
I don't know that Katie McCamant (author of "Cohousing" book) has had the chance to read this list very regularly this last week, so I'll take the liberty of citing her on this subject. She says that concern about inadequate privacy is the single most common concern of people before they move into cohousing, but is virtually never a problem when those same people are actually living in cohousing. I've visited 12 cohousing communities in the last two and a half years. I usually ask what problems people have with life there, and not one single person has ever mentioned inadequate privacy as a problem. On the other hand introvert/extrovert couples often comment about how well cohousing satisfies both the privacy and the socialization needs of each person.
- Joani Blank, Old Oakland and Doyle Street Cohousing, near San Francisco
Subject: Cohousing Concerns
I don't know that Katie McCamant (author of "Cohousing" book) has had the chance to read this list very regularly this last week, so I'll take the liberty of citing her on this subject. She says that concern about inadequate privacy is the single most common concern of people before they move into cohousing, but is virtually never a problem when those same people are actually living in cohousing. I've visited 12 cohousing communities in the last two and a half years. I usually ask what problems people have with life there, and not one single person has ever mentioned inadequate privacy as a problem. On the other hand introvert/extrovert couples often comment about how well cohousing satisfies both the privacy and the socialization needs of each person.
- Joani Blank, Old Oakland and Doyle Street Cohousing, near San Francisco
From: Barb Andre
Subject: Cohousing Concerns
I'll add my two-cents worth to the very excellent responses already given.
Privacy. Yes, you give some up because you will be in a community that cares about you. However, in my experience it is not an intense pressure to "bring you out of your shell". I love to meet with my neighbors and talk about all sorts of things. I have neighbors whom I visit regularly, and talk with for hours, because I like them and enjoy the visits. We know a lot about each other. I have other neighbors I also like, but who prefer to stay to themselves. I smile, wave, and say hello when I see them, and that's about the extent of our contact. Interestingly enough, my two-year-old daughter befriended one of these "private" neighbors and visits him more freely than I do. We have communal meals twice a week. I think the question is: Who prepares the meals in your family? and does *that* person like the idea of communal meals?
Meetings. You don't have to go if you don't want to. Although, you'll get out of the community only what you put into it. The meetings for me are a chance to spend time with my neighbors. I enjoy the talking and the getting to know how they operate, and I "own" the community projects a little more because of my participation. My husband avoids meetings like the plague. He attends when there is a particularly hot issue that he feels the need to have input on, otherwise you'll rarely see him at a meeting.
Space. Well, I have to admit that we chose the options of adding extra rooms onto our house and finishing the basement, so that we have closer to 2500sf. I think Rob's point about needing less space for the children is well-taken. Our children (5 and 2) are often at other houses, outside, or at the common house.
Best of luck in your decision.
- Barb Andre, Greyrock Commons, Fort Collins, CO
Subject: Cohousing Concerns
I'll add my two-cents worth to the very excellent responses already given.
Privacy. Yes, you give some up because you will be in a community that cares about you. However, in my experience it is not an intense pressure to "bring you out of your shell". I love to meet with my neighbors and talk about all sorts of things. I have neighbors whom I visit regularly, and talk with for hours, because I like them and enjoy the visits. We know a lot about each other. I have other neighbors I also like, but who prefer to stay to themselves. I smile, wave, and say hello when I see them, and that's about the extent of our contact. Interestingly enough, my two-year-old daughter befriended one of these "private" neighbors and visits him more freely than I do. We have communal meals twice a week. I think the question is: Who prepares the meals in your family? and does *that* person like the idea of communal meals?
Meetings. You don't have to go if you don't want to. Although, you'll get out of the community only what you put into it. The meetings for me are a chance to spend time with my neighbors. I enjoy the talking and the getting to know how they operate, and I "own" the community projects a little more because of my participation. My husband avoids meetings like the plague. He attends when there is a particularly hot issue that he feels the need to have input on, otherwise you'll rarely see him at a meeting.
Space. Well, I have to admit that we chose the options of adding extra rooms onto our house and finishing the basement, so that we have closer to 2500sf. I think Rob's point about needing less space for the children is well-taken. Our children (5 and 2) are often at other houses, outside, or at the common house.
Best of luck in your decision.
- Barb Andre, Greyrock Commons, Fort Collins, CO
From: Alan Carpenter
Subject: Cohousing Concerns
My wife loves retreat space for herself. She did not want to be in cohousing because of a belief of a loss of privacy. Now that we are in cohousing she finds more retreat. The active parts of our home are now in the common house. That is where I go to meetings, where our guests go, where the parties are, where the social stuff happens. Now my wife has a lot of retreat and sometimes even drags me home. In our previous single family home she did not have the retreat space that she needed after working all day with people.
Cohousing is heaven to her and beyond heaven for me!
- Best Wishes, Alan Carpenter, Windsong Cohousing, Langley, B.C., Canada
Subject: Cohousing Concerns
My wife loves retreat space for herself. She did not want to be in cohousing because of a belief of a loss of privacy. Now that we are in cohousing she finds more retreat. The active parts of our home are now in the common house. That is where I go to meetings, where our guests go, where the parties are, where the social stuff happens. Now my wife has a lot of retreat and sometimes even drags me home. In our previous single family home she did not have the retreat space that she needed after working all day with people.
Cohousing is heaven to her and beyond heaven for me!
- Best Wishes, Alan Carpenter, Windsong Cohousing, Langley, B.C., Canada