Heartwood Dialogue Model Guidelines |
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Process & Communication
Revised 06/19/23
Living in community requires extra attention to one’s communication. There will be times when one needs to participate in conversations that are not necessarily common in today’s world and that may, especially in the beginning, seem difficult. To be clear in good, open and honest communication is a gift, both in the giving and in the receiving.
If you are seeking to clarify or repair a relationship – First and foremost, ask yourself:
Consider:
Hint 1: Repair conversations are a dialogue. Take turns speaking in a comfortable conversational flow. Mirroring works great.
Hint 2: Avoid jumping to solutions too early. First, lay the groundwork of mutual understanding, making sure that each person feels heard and respected.
Hint 3: If the conversation turns to blaming, or shaming at any time, take a moment to bring your intention back to connection and resolution. Use silence and your breath to quiet your minds and emotions and center yourselves. If you are unable to maintain a compassionate conversation, then reschedule and possibly include a mutually acceptable, unbiased mediator.
Hint 4: Begin and end with curiosity. Just because you are initiating the conversation does not mean you are right!
Hint 5: Seek relationship, emphasizing the ties between you and the other person. Work to build a bridge.
Hint 6: If you have a concern to share with someone, but you avoid this conversation for too long, the situation often grows worse.
Find a mutually agreed upon time and location to meet. Walking can be a good way to have a conversation. So also, can coming together in the Hearth Room and lighting a candle with intentions to strengthen your relationship.
Repair Conversations
Revised 06/19/23
Living in community requires extra attention to one’s communication. There will be times when one needs to participate in conversations that are not necessarily common in today’s world and that may, especially in the beginning, seem difficult. To be clear in good, open and honest communication is a gift, both in the giving and in the receiving.
If you are seeking to clarify or repair a relationship – First and foremost, ask yourself:
- How have I contributed to the problem or situation? What part do I own? What is my trigger in this? (These are the most important steps in this process!)
- Am I genuinely committed to supporting the other person and our relationship?
- Has the person expressed a willingness to participate in a dialogue? Respectfully ask the person if they are willing to have a conversation with you about this topic. Schedule a time and place to meet.
- Is the person in a good emotional state to receive you?
- Am I in a good emotional state to evenly state clearly what I’m feeling, with no judgement?
Consider:
Hint 1: Repair conversations are a dialogue. Take turns speaking in a comfortable conversational flow. Mirroring works great.
Hint 2: Avoid jumping to solutions too early. First, lay the groundwork of mutual understanding, making sure that each person feels heard and respected.
Hint 3: If the conversation turns to blaming, or shaming at any time, take a moment to bring your intention back to connection and resolution. Use silence and your breath to quiet your minds and emotions and center yourselves. If you are unable to maintain a compassionate conversation, then reschedule and possibly include a mutually acceptable, unbiased mediator.
Hint 4: Begin and end with curiosity. Just because you are initiating the conversation does not mean you are right!
Hint 5: Seek relationship, emphasizing the ties between you and the other person. Work to build a bridge.
Hint 6: If you have a concern to share with someone, but you avoid this conversation for too long, the situation often grows worse.
Find a mutually agreed upon time and location to meet. Walking can be a good way to have a conversation. So also, can coming together in the Hearth Room and lighting a candle with intentions to strengthen your relationship.
- Ground Rules – Create and review ground rules for your conversation.
- Appreciation – A good way to start a difficult conversation is by first stating what you appreciate about the other individual. An appreciation is offered in return.
- Purpose – State your purpose in wanting to have this meeting. It is important both participants genuinely want to listen, understand, and find an outcome that will strengthen your relationship.
- Curious – Questions rather than statements allow curiosity rather than absolutes. (e.g. Did your actions bring about the expected outcome?)
- Observation – Objectively describe their action/words, as if you were watching a movie. Avoid evaluating the behavior or drawing conclusions. Be objective. Have the other person mirror back.
- Effect – What were the results of their action/words for you or the community? Specifically:
• Own the story you told yourself without blame, judgment, or criticism. Own your opinions, fears, concerns and conclusions you drew in your story.
• What feelings were triggered inside you?
• What needs or values do you hold that are tied to your feelings? Have the other person mirror back. - Intention – State positive intentions and outcomes you want for the other person, yourself, the relationship, and/or the situation. Highlight common ground.
- Offer - Describe what you’re willing to do to positively contribute to the situation and commitments you’re willing to make. What concrete actions do you agree upon?
- Request – A request may be made. Explain why you want these actions taken. Remember, a request is not a demand. They may or may not agree to your request. Watch for loaded language, yours and theirs.
- Follow Up - Agree on a plan for resolution and a specified timeframe to follow up.
- Gratitude – Thank the person for the conversation and their commitment to strengthening your relationship.
Repair Conversations
- Be open. Do not defend or argue.
- Listen carefully. Do not interrupt. Mirror back what you’ve heard to check for understanding.
- Probe for understanding (curiosity): “Tell me more.”
- Reflect on the other’s viewpoint.
- Be grateful for honest communication and the opportunity to deepen relationship.